Gaston Glock: Maker of Curtain Rods, Door Hinges and Gun Massacres
He Once Took Seven Hits To The Head With a Rubber Mallet
Gaston Glock, whose eponymous replacement for the penis helped revolutionize the delusional world of paranoid psychotics, has just shot his last wad.
Though information on his early life is sparse, public records reveal Glock was first discharged from his mother’s womb sometime in 1929 in Vienna, Austria. As far as we know, Gaston was the only child his mother squeezed from her chamber.
Gaston spent his formative years in Vienna, where decades before him Sigmund Freud formulated his “death drive” theory stating:
Our unconscious will murder even for trifles; it knows no other punishment for crime than death. And sometimes a gun is just a penis encased in a cigar wrapper.
It was while studying mechanical engineering in college that Gaston first got the inspiration to devote his life to designing a cheaper way of propelling lead through human livers, kidneys and gallbladders.
Like many former members of the Nazi Wehrmacht, Glock opened a small boutique business in his garage. It was from these humble beginnings Glock progressed from making ordinary brass fittings and curtain rods into manufacturing the world’s most popular instrument of death and mayhem.
Like its inventor, the Glock was assembled primarily of non-metal components, making it lighter and easier for sedentary flab-bucket cops to run the requisite half block before gasping for air and shooting someone in the back.
Today the Glock corporation owns 65% of the market share of handguns in the U.S. and an even bigger share of this country’s grave shovels and embalming fluid.
Glock fans include most of the U.S. police force, mass shooters, American Special Forces, war criminals, international antiterrorist units, international terrorist units, and scores of low-caliber rappers.
In 1999, Glock’s business partner hired a former wrestler to kill Gaston with a rubber mallet. Gaston took seven blows to the head and was nearly Glocked out. Now near the point of losing consciousness, Gaston could see by the Glock on the wall his time was almost up. It was then he rallied to overcome his attacker by regaling him with boring tales of making brass fittings, door hinges and curtain rods.
After many years of marriage, Glock divorced his first wife, Helga, and married a woman 51 years his junior, who reportedly never had to worry about having little Glocks because “Gaston was always shooting blanks.”
As the popularity of his gun grew, it quickly became the favorite tool of various underworld figures. And in 2021 Representative Lauren Boebert released a video of herself walking through the streets of Washington carrying a Glock. Two years later she was thrown out of a theater for grabbing her boyfriend’s Derringer.
Glock leaves behind Austria’s yuppie-fascist Freedom Party leader, Jörg Haider, without a major contributor, and 28 liability suits that municipalities filed against his company for murders committed with his namesake.
The deceased requested his body be crammed into a cheap nylon-resin magazine with 32 other bodies, spring fed into a carbon steel barrel, and indiscriminately shot into a crowd of unsuspecting strangers because of daddy issues.
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I have neighbors that routinely celebrate Glocksmas when dealing with their ED.
I figure my demise will come in one of two ways. Either plunked by a neighbour because they couldn't be bothered with mowing their pawn, painting their house or planting a garden. The other standing in line with my milk and eggs and have some four thumbed dotard fumble his personal protecton while fishing for his wallet. Oooh, that's going to leave a mark.