Henry Kissinger: Theranos Board Member, Harvard Grad, Popular Talk Show Guest...
...and Hillary Clinton's mentor.
Henry Kissinger, the last surviving member of the Nixon Cabinet to don prayer kneepads in the Lincoln bedroom, has managed to extricate himself from life’s moral consequences decades too late for the majority of his victims to witness in disbelief.
Clammy-fingered Death, habitually truant with these types, finally appeared to the 100 year-old exalted diplomat after his colon tried to strategically triangulate an intransigent bratwurst through his sputtering schnitzel-pooper, pressuring his pancreas to skillfully manipulate a behind-the-scenes clot through his aorta. The delayed end-result represented an historic détente between karma and villainy.
A valued client of International Creative Management talent agency, Kissinger and his Faustian bargain with evil came due just as he was about to drop his latest project, “War Criminals In Cars Getting Coffee After Creating Mass Bloodshed.”
Normalized in recent years by the noted intellects Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Hillary Clinton, Kissinger left behind a polarizing legacy among those who hated him for killing so many civilians and those who loved him for killing so many civilians.
A Jew who in his teens fled Nazi Germany to avoid similar policies he’d spend his career promoting, Kissinger spent his later years as a dominant figure in global affairs, mostly by offering advice to world leaders on how to flee prosecution at the Hague.
After serving in the U.S. Army during WWII, Kissinger was stationed in Germany with the assignment to make a list of all remaining Gestapo officers and employees, a list he would often consult during the hiring phase of the Nixon administration.
In 1971, the great diplomat managed to broker an historic meeting between David Cassidy and Henry’s two children on the set of the Partridge Family. After much negotiation, Cassidy agreed to disappear the sitcom’s dog and first drummer in return for Kissinger’s pledge not to cock-block David’s chances with Jill St. John.
Then in a master stroke of military strategy, Kissinger proposed a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. How? By personally selecting bombing sites, killing 100,000 civilians in neutral countries, and prolonging the carnage another seven years.
For his efforts, Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. As if naming the prize after a guy who invented dynamite wasn’t a big enough signal the whole thing was a sham.
Although Kissinger had few regrets, one decision that did bother him was going along with a drunken Richard Nixon’s desire to bomb the Ho Chi Minh Trail just because the leader of the free world resented hikers.
In 1976, Kissinger was cited in Woodward and Bernstein’s book The Final Days as stating, “Military men are dumb, stupid animals to be used,” as pawns for foreign policy. He later apologized, explaining he didn’t think animals would be dumb enough to get bogged down in an Asian land war nobody wanted.
After leaving the government, he founded Kissinger Associates, a consulting firm that “assists clients in identifying international investment opportunities.” How? By identifying international civilians and then bombing them at every opportunity.
As a Theranos board member, Kissinger convinced his billionaire friends to invest $370 million in Elizabeth Holmes’ breakthrough technology that had the ability to accurately test the stupidity of Harvard graduates.
During his later years, Kissinger frequently acted as a consultant to think tanks utilizing his unparalleled knowledge of using tanks to kill people and stop them from thinking.
Besides his wife Nancy, who once tried to strangle a woman at Newark International Airport, Kissinger leaves behind a family of two grown children, five grandchildren, and over 35 million land mines still blowing up wives, grown children and grandchildren.
The deceased requested his head be shrunk, stuffed inside Pol Pot's mummified gallbladder, and his heart donated for study to the Dick Cheney Institute for Undeserved Longevity.
His other remnants are buried at Arlington National Cemetery where they’re currently wiretapping the surrounding graves.
In lieu of flowers the family suggests considering donations to:
Henry A. Kissinger Center for Global Chaos
Orphaned Pets of Dead War Criminals
The Ironic Kissinger Burn Center
Henry McKissinger House For Orphaned Limbs
A Mine Is A Terrible Thing To Waste Amputee Center
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Your truth always funnier than fiction!
Brilliant!