William Post, whose invention of the Pop-Tart played a significant role inspiring millions of hyper-active baby boomers to lose their homes in toaster fires, is now stiff and crumbly with a sickly-sweet, gooey center.
An autopsy revealed Post died of heart failure when his arteries became clogged with an irresistible, creamy glaze.
It was 96 years ago in Grand Rapids, Michigan, that William Post first popped out of his mother’s hot toaster. Growing up in the country’s historic furniture manufacturing center left a big imprint on the young Post, who dreamed of one day making a breakfast treat out of synthetic dyes and wood pulp.
Years later, he became plant manager at the Keebler Company, maker of “edible elves,” a company euphemism for child laborers who fell into the vats.
Destiny finally arrived in 1964 when executives from Kellogg’s asked Mr. Post if his plant would be able to manufacture a toaster-ready breakfast treat capable of giving explosive diarrhea to circus animals.
“Being the absolutely positive person that he was,” his son Dan recalled, “he said, ‘Absolutely, give me two weeks to perfect a way to make cardboard edible.’”
In order to make the high-fructose-slurry-filled double-layered pastry, a 60-ton piece of equipment had to be raised on a platform. Not to press the dough, but to scare away food inspectors.
Initially called Fruit Scones, the name was soon changed to Pop-Tarts, partially in reference to the then-current pop art movement. But mostly because they had the nutritional value of a framed picture of a Campbell’s Soup can.
A nostalgic Post once recounted how back in the day Pop-Tarts had no frosting and people had to walk seven miles in the snow just to get them iced. Then seven miles in the ice to get them frosted. And then seven miles in the frost to get them creamed. All-in-all it was a pointless and annoying existence which elicited dread from all those who experienced it. From there it was only a matter of time before the sweet release of death set them free.
In the early years of production, Pop-Tarts were only available in four flavors: Black, Grey, Blue, and Green. It took years of pleading from Edsel Ford before they finally added Red.
Today, Pop-Tarts are produced in dozens of flavors including:
Synthesized Coal-Tar Tarts
#40 Red Dye Death-Tarts
Increased Hyperactivity Yellow #12 Tarts
Tert-Butylhydroquinone Stabilizer Tarts with Sprinkles
Apple-Berry Number Twelve Varnish Additive
Frosted Fudge Bean Fart-Tarts
and
Glazed Cream Cherry-Pop Jerk Tarts with Cadmium
Post said his favorite flavor remained the original strawberry, and that he always kept an old box in his car just in case he drove off a bridge into a lake and had to break open the windshield.
In 2006, Kellogg’s experienced a setback when they had to recall 1,000 cartons of Pop-Tarts because consumers complained they contained traces of fruit.
Post requested his pre-cooked, creamy remains be injected with tert-Butylhydroquinone to prevent his fats from oxidation, then sprinkled with paprika extract to increase redness, and finally sandwiched between two thin layers of dry, rectangular pastry and every morning propelled by spring action from a searing hot, stainless-steel slot six feet into the air and devoured by dumpster seagulls.
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