Bernie Marcus - Home Depot Co-Founder
Trump Mega Donor, Do-It-Yourself Oligarch
Bernie Marcus, the man who helped build a chain of home improvement stores out of nothing but a pocketful of gumption and all the resources and connections available to a former CEO of a previous chain of home improvement stores, is now in a little pine box made of wood you can get at a big box store.
Marcus’ visionary leadership as Home Depot’s CEO helped create a nation of doers who can tackle any project just as long as there’s enough Honduran refugees waiting in the parking lot to screw over.
Raised by poor Russian immigrants, Marcus spent his youth living in a New Jersey tenement. Little did he know he’d eventually become CEO of one of the largest suppliers of ladders and ultimately realize the American Dream of pulling them up again.
Today Home Depot has over 2,300 stores around the world including 187 in Texas, a land where companies aren’t required to subscribe to workers’ comp for their injured employees. In a related story, Home Depot’s 500,000 employees have an estimated 200,000 thumbs.
In 1981, the company created its “much-loved DIY mascot,” Homer D. Poe. Homer still remains a friendly and helpful presence at the company even though he looks just like that guy who obsessively darts his tongue back-and-forth while peering through your bathroom window.
According to the company’s website, Homer “has a wife named Daisy and a dog named Carl.” As for what’s in his Speedo, Homer just calls them, “Mr. Happy and my two brothers Darrell and Darrell.”
A trailblazer with boundless compassion, Marcus founded the Marcus Autism Center where he poured $25 million into the search for the causes and a cure for autism. Then he backed a lawsuit to overturn federal student loan forgiveness. Because what better way is there to find a cure for autism than by making sure nobody can afford to learn about it?
His generosity didn’t end there. In 2020 he donated over $27 million to republicans so Donald Trump could nominate as head of the HHS a guy who believes autism is caused by vaccines and pregnant mothers who get frightened by elephants.
But perhaps his most celebrated role in the fighting autism was sending millions of dollars to Israel so they could bomb over 5,000 autistic kids in Gaza. That should do it.
In 2020 with the help of 12 million of Marcus’ Depot Dollars, Donald Trump was able to flip two houses of Congress and still have enough left over to buy the house of every Supreme Court justice’s mother. He’s currently planning to gut and rebuild the Presidential residence using refurbished pallets of entry-level granite countertops and motion activated brushed-bronze faucets.
Company executives in mourning say they’re consoling themselves with the thought Marcus is in the afterlife refusing bathroom breaks to the wandering spirits of dead employees impaled by crowbars.
Marcus’ memorial in Georgia was attended by lines of tearful spectators longing for that one last chance to return a high-priced item without a receipt.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks people to donate to causes Marcus was passionate about. Like DIY genocides, post-genocide fixer uppers and installing quality drywall between women and their rights.
Marcus requested his body be crushed by a pallet of microwave ovens, run over by a forklift, exposed to an unregulated amount of chemicals and dropped onto a defective paint shaker.
The remains will then be disassembled and divided among 90 distribution centers around the country and sent to 2,000 stores for in-store pickup.
Buy my disgusting book by clicking on this link to evil Amazon!
At the risk of sounding like a millennial, this literally made me lol. More like Home Despot 🤪
There are other concerns that sell books. Why let Amazon do so? Seriously! Did your publisher make the arrangement? Can you ask them not to? Use Barnes and Noble or Bookshop? You can also ask Google for a list. I just did. They are out there. Anyone who can deprive Amazon of sales is a candidate for sainthood.