Brian Thompson - UnitedHealthcare CEO, Medical Non-Provider

What kind of world are we living in where a health insurance CEO can’t feel safe on our streets?

Art by Martha Previte ©2024 https://www.patreon.com/MarthaPrevite

Brian Thompson, CEO of the insurance industry’s leader in denying medical claims, is now out of network.

Coroners listed the official cause of death as “multiple pre-existing bullets” and said the killing bore all the marks of America’s single-slayer system.

So far the motive for the killing remains unclear, but experts theorize it might have something to do with everybody in the world hating the health insurance industry.

Thompson was seen on video leaving his hotel several minutes prior to the shooting. The NYPD promised to further investigate the video as soon as they can confirm it’s included on the formulary.

DNA from the assailant’s water bottle was sent to a lab for testing with the hope authorities can find enough genetic markers to deny him treatment once he’s shot by police.

News of the shooting sent shockwaves throughout the sheltered world of insurance industry CEOs, who fear the incident will drive up their murder insurance premiums.

As a show of unity and strength, UnitedHealth Group, parent company of UnitedHealthcare, announced it will eliminate the spaces between the words “UnitedHealth,” “care” and “Group” and now be known as “UnitedHealthCareGroupCare.”

To ensure “the safety, security and well-being of our employees” the company says it will no longer be taking calls from customers they would never take calls from anyway. And any customers who manage to get through will be denied all claims in order to make it physically impossible for them to drive, lift a weapon or write a letter.

Officials say they’re checking every dispute or contested denial of service brought against the company. So at this rate they should have an answer by the time they’re all living in senior care facilities.

As it stands now, Thompson’s burial insurance will only provide a 30-day supply of cemetery space before his family has to dig him up and beg his doctor to declare him dead again.

Even though Thompson stated he was satisfied with his current burial insurance, he’ll still have to pay a large deductible before he’s fully covered by dirt.

Thompson’s burial insurance also requires the deceased first use a generic potato sack before they can approve his request for a brand-name box.

New York City Mayor Eric Adams refused to comment on the shooting until he can invent a way to blame it on Columbia University students.

Officials confirmed the killer meticulously wrote the words “delay deny defend depose” onto the casings with a Sharpie. So if he had any medical problems, it probably wasn’t with his eyes.

Other chilling, bullet-casing phrases included:

“it’s open enrollment season”

“enjoy life: eat out more often”

“coffee o’clock”

“hold my beer”

“whip inflation now”

“smile sparkle shine"

"follow your bliss”

“king of naps”

and

“embrace messy hair"

In an effort to help root out the killer, Anthem Blue Cross announced they’ll no longer cover anesthesia for the entire length of surgeries looking for misplaced forceps, sponges, drill tips, surgical gauze, clamps, needles, knife blades, safety pins, scalpels, scissors, and towels.

Thompson leaves behind millions of sick patients still waiting on the phone while pacing back and forth listening to toxic hold Muzac, in what can only be described as a brazen and targeted attack on their sanity.

Of course the deceased will be mourned by family and friends. But we mustn’t forget the bereft recipients of his company’s $100 million in lobbying money. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Vice President Kamala Harris during this difficult time.

Family and friends are now consoling themselves with the thought that Brian is now up in Heaven sitting at the throne of the Divine Algorithmic Death Panel that tells your sweet refill-seeking grandmother to fuck off and die every three months.

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