Dietrich Mateschitz - Co-Founder of Red Bull
He powered down, six feet down, October 2022
Dietrich Mateschitz, co-founder of the Red Bull brand of anxiety, insomnia, gastrointestinal upset, and restless leg syndrome-inducing drinks in 1987, is dead at the age of 78 with an abnormally high heart rate for a corpse.
Mateschitz co-founded the company with Thai businessman Chaleo Yoovidh. Although Yoovidh died in 2012 his legacy still lives on. Mainly because his body can't stop twitching in a pro-nociceptive state of cortical hyper-excitability and fizziness.
Before Red Bull, Mateschitz was a marketing executive for Blendax, a German company known for creating shampoos that make your hair look like it’s been up all night screaming at crowds to invade Poland.
After Mateschitz joined forces with Yoovidh in 1984, it took another three years for him to perfect the original formula into what it is today. The secret? A fuckload of caffeine and sugar.
In a final tweak before the drink's premiere, the founders decided to change the name to "Red Bull" because "Mateschitz & Yoovidh's Hard Penis Elixir" just didn't have that ring to it.
The company sold its first can of Red Bull in Austria. That can is now the leader of a far-right nationalist party running for president on the Fascist ticket.
To help promote their drink, Mateschitz & Yoovidh invested heavily in marketing to make the brand synonymous with extreme feats, like downing two cans and attempting to walk ten paces before you crap your pants and your teeth fall out.
Very little is known about Mateschitz's private life probably owing to the fact that he spent most of it on the toilet.
In his later years he was criticized for anti-immigrant remarks and trivializing the Covid-19 pandemic on his personally owned far-right neo-fascist TV station in Austria. Combine that with a loyal audience of super-caffeinated psychotics with sleeping problems and the possibilities are endless.
In 2023 the annual worldwide consumption of energy drinks exceeded 25 billion liters. That’s equal to 5 trillion gallons when converting to the Diarrhea-Based Measurement System.
Today Red Bull employs more than 13,000 people around the world with an additional 26,000 just to wipe up after them.
Mateschitz requested his remains be mixed with water, sugar, caffeine, and formaldehyde in order to give his body a special zest for death.
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