Lou Ottens - Inventor of the Compact Tape Cassette
1926-2021
Lou Ottens, the Dutch engineer credited with inventing the first portable tape recorder, the first compact tape cassette, and the compact disc, erased himself from existence yesterday when he got too close to one of those big rotating magnets they use at scrapyards.
Witnesses say Ottens became wobbly and started squealing before completely shutting down. By the time paramedics arrived his upper frequency response was weak and he smelled of vinegar.
Medical experts estimate Ottens could have lived another 10 years if he had only kept away from heat, humidity, and UV rays.
Lodewijk Frederik Ottens was born in the well-preserved medieval village of Bellingwolde, Holland, where peat farmers once discovered an 11th century bog-mummy ritually strangled with the mixtape he’d given his jilted girlfriend.
Today the charming hamlet boasts a 19th century windmill-powered reel-to-reel which villagers still use to fast-forward through Pink Floyd songs.
From an early age, Ottens showed an interest in technology and tinkering. But it wasn’t until after puberty when he focused more on technology and less on his tinker.
During World War II he built a radio for his family. Its special antenna enabled the radio to focus on particular signals in order to dodge jamming attempts by Nazis who kept playing the “In Heaven There Is No Beer” polka.
Ottens’ inspiration for his invention centered around the concept that a cassette tape should be small enough to fit inside the breast pocket of your jacket. Keep in mind this was at a time when the average reel of tape could barely fit inside Raymond Burr’s corset.
Ottens debuted his cassette in 1963 at a Berlin electronics fair with the slogan, “Smaller than a pack of cigarettes!” This led to a disturbing rise in cognitive dysfunction among bored teens trying to smoke Pat Boone songs.
The first magnetic tape recording device was patented 96 years ago by German inventor Fritz Pfleumer. Although revolutionary, it never caught on with the public because the only things to record in 1928 Germany were loud blimps and people trying to escape.
Though proud of his invention, Ottens felt his greatest contribution to convenience and sound quality was the compact disk. Indeed, anyone unable to grasp the advantage of CDs over tapes has never had to pull the insufferably boring lead from Steely Dan’s “Kid Charlemagne” out of their cat’s anus.
Keith Richards used a cassette tape to capture his iconic riff from “Satisfaction” in the middle of the night. He still has no memory of writing the song. But he does recall cooking parts of the tape in a spoon to break down the poly-ester matrix holding the magnetic particles together, and then injecting the mixture between his toes.
Over the years, more than 100 billion cassette tapes have been sold. Most of them remain stuck to unused condoms trapped underneath the seats of 2 million abandoned Chevy Novas.
Ottens’ last request was that someone insert a Bic Pen into one of his holes in order to tighten his unspooled intestines. It was also his wish that the tab in the upper left corner of his coffin be punched out so no one could bury over him.
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A note from the author (me) about obituaries.
As some of you might have noticed, good prospects can die in bunches within days of each other, or none at all for weeks and months on end. Sometimes I have to dig deep to find deceased people from years past in order to fill the void. If anyone out there has any suggestions for disrespectful eulogies, please send them my way. Also, if you’d like me do write a personal obituary for someone you love or for yourself whom you hate, I will gladly sell my soul for the right price. I only require enough biographical information on the person in question and a modest donation to my personal “Ithyphallic Funeral Procession Fund.” Thank you for being mortal.
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The creation of a mixed tape let us share custom playlists. You could tell someone you loved them by picking special songs and decorating the tape with hearts. Treasured memories.