Charlie Kirk: "The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now" - Rep. Adam Kinzinger - R Illinois, 16th
Kirk Out.
Charlie Kirk, a podcaster Republican Congressman Adam Kinzinger once called “The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now,” is no longer existing. Nor is he in the “now.”
But he is, technically speaking, when reduced to his basic elemental components of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen and nitrogen, now worth less than $20.
According to Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin (yes, that’s his real name), The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now’s wife and children were in attendance at a Nazi rally Up With People Festival in Utah when Kirk was surprised by someone else’s Blessed Jesus-given 2nd Amendment remedy.
“I can’t stand the word empathy. I think empathy is a made-up, new age term that does a lot of damage.” - The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now
At the risk of offending a dead person and his brain-dead followers by quoting him, I shall do that now. For it was indeed The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now who said it’s “unfortunately” “worth it” to have “some gun deaths” every year to protect the 2nd Second Amendment and our “other God-given rights.” Like shooting people in their necks.
So naturally, an impressionable youth by the name of Tyler Robinson, raised on guns and MAGA Trumpian Ideals, took those words to heart and in turn directly to the victim’s unfortunate neck. Which kinda proved Kirk’s point. Unfortunately.
When he learned of The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now’s death, President Trump, a fellow Big Piece of Human Garbage, took three minutes off from thinking about French fries to monotonously express his biglyest empathy for Kirk’s young family, now suffering without their father, who incidentally got them into this mess.
This tender moment was quickly followed by a bloodlust tirade against the deceased’s detractors. But really it was just to distract anyone from the Epstein files and all the other terrible shit going on under his watch.
A clearly shaken and stirred Utah governor -whose name I won’t mention because who gives a shit, right? It’s fuckin’ Utah- urged all responsible gun owners to please refocus their trademark impotent rage against schools again and not Gummy self-appointed Jesus figures.
Springing to action, FBI director Kash Patel released photos of the suspect and told a largely amused nation to be on the lookout for a white guy with a gun in Utah.
Patel, who has even less qualifications for his job than the corpse of Efrem Zimbalist Jr., then erroneously narrowed down the description using photos that made him look like Ric Ocasek in 1981:
After a massive manhunt and some stunningly masterful investigative work, police proudly announced they caught the killer because his father called up and said he was surrendering.
Before we continue, let’s establish how The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now got his distinctive name, The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now.
In 2023, Damar Hamlin, a football person, collapsed of cardiac arrest after getting violently bumped on the storied American Field of Violent Bump Battles. That is when The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now, certainly not in another craven attempt to attract attention with yet another disproven anti-vaccine conspiracy theory, surmised not in accordance with the truth that the Covid vaccine caused Hamlin’s collapse.
Reacting with more courage and presence of mind than most democrats past, present and future, the then Republican Congressman Adam Kinzinger called Kirk “The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now.” And thus a legend was born.
And sure enough, as Rep. Adam Kinzinger - R Illinois, 16th predicted, The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now is literally done now.
“A man who calls himself trans is wearing ‘woman face,’ no different than I would wear Black face trying to be a Black person.” - The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now
For more insight on how some people have gotten their names over the ages, justified or not, I refer you to Sheriff John Hoxley who goes into some detail here as to how he came to be known as “Honest John.”
To better serve clarity and fairness, and to show respect for the judgement of Rep. Adam Kinzinger - R Illinois, 16th, for the remainder of this obit the deceased in question will be referred to as The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now.
"Black women do not have brain processing power to be taken seriously. You have to go steal a white person's slot." - The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now
We begin the story of The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now on October 14, 1993, when he was born into a wealthy real estate family in Arlington Heights, Illinois. From an early age he knew he’d grow up to become a leader in right-wing propaganda who then gets shot in the neck. Which in all probability will lead to another insane, bipartisan call for increased militarization of cops.
“Now, I will say that for future retirees, people under the age of 45, we should absolutely raise the retirement age. I’m going to say something very provocative. I’m not a fan of retirement. I don’t think retirement is biblical.” - The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now
Classmates described the young Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now as “rude”, “arrogant”, with “a superiority complex” who would one day “grow up to achieve great things and eventually get shot in the neck.”
In 2021 The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now married Miss Erika Lane Frantzve. Together they became Mr. and Mrs. “The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now.”
“Thou shall lay with another man, shall be stoned to death. Just saying... The chapter...affirms God’s perfect law when it comes to sexual matter.” - The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now
While on the 2015 presidential campaign trail, The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now met another luminary among the Biggest Pieces of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now: His name was Donald Trump Jr.
The two bonded immediately over their shared experiences growing up wealthy with disconcertingly gummy smiles, squinty eye-sockets, overly tall foreheads and crowded mid-faces.
The rest of TBPOHGTCPERN’s life is too tedious and boring to recount here as it consists mostly of invoking hatred against the vulnerable and provoking people with lies for money. Suffice it to say Republicans don’t give a shit about The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now or his family any more than they and the Democratic party care about the Israeli hostages, Palestinians or the people of Ukraine. TBPOHGTCPERN’s death is an opportunity for them.
Kirk’s 2nd Amendment demise couldn’t have come at a more propitious time for the Republican party desperately trying to distract the world from the Epstein legacy and its serial rapist leader in the White House. And I use the word “propitious” because I know most Republicans won’t know what it means.
By launching a Bigly Pogrom of fat-headed ignorance, hatred and violence, and cynically using TBPOHGTCPERN’s imagined martyrdom as pretext, the current authorities think they have a blank check to commit even more mayhem upon this country’s citizens with even greater prejudice than their infected noodles could’ve imagined before.
And in that vein, 16 Republican senators pathological cultists signed a letter to their head idiot, Mike Johnson, requesting a statue be erected in the Capitol’s National Statuary Hall to honor their fallen angel: The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now. The statue will feature state-of-the-art facial skin-tone recognition in order to demean and insult every ethnicity it encounters1, followed by five minutes of babbling in tongues and the “laying on of statue hands.”
The statue will stand next to a much larger one of his assassin.
Public Service Message: If you or anyone you know is struggling with trauma from this colossal tragedy, don't hesitate to reach out to one of the many local mental health crisis lines Republicans are currently defunding.
Bereaved family, friends and assorted violently-enraged zombies are now consoling themselves with the thought that The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now is now up in Heaven trying to blame his predicable death on Damar Hamlin’s Covid shot.
The Biggest Piece of Human Garbage That Can Possibly Exist Right Now’s last wishes were that the unfortunate rendezvous between his neck and the Virgin Mary’s 2nd Amendment become a staging ground for right-wing hypocrites to unhinge their life-long revenge fantasies against anyone who has ever threatened their fragile egos. He also asked to be Raptured up to heaven to sit at the throne of Jesus and his pet mongoose Rex. Who is DEFINITELY NOT gay!
Well…not every ethnicity.
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